96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
