I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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