She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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