woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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