I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
