she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
