we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
