Umm I'm too high to move.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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