i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
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i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
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We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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