I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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