I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
