my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
