I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
