my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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