Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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