I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
