i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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