My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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