the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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