I feel like I'm in dance class right now
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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