walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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