so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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