I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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