i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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