You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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