ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
