bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
