I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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