so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i barfeds in our rink
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
