Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
