Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
