apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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