The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
whose parrot is this?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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