My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
