It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize