I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
