Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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