Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
