theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
