So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
from now on my penis is your penis
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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