Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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