It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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