Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I got inside last night via doggy door
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
