im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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