Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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