She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
