Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
