I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
