I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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