Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
