All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
