My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
