apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
