HIV tests are more positive than that guy
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I don't think brook has ever known best
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My liver is preforming stress tests.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
