Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
