dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i drank out of a bidet.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
foreskin is a definite game changer
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
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