you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
