I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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