It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
